I was caught under your spell
Yet there was nothing magical about it
Days would pass, and I would pass unnoticed by you
Only a fleeting hello, a handshake, maybe a few words;
It was all I had to look forward to
You never noticed how my eyes would linger
How my fingers lingered when we shook hands
I loved, I fantasized, I dreamt
Intimate dreams of those very same hands that troubled me
Teased me, knew exactly what they did to me
I would wake up in the morning
And remember getting lost in a world where your hands were mine
Your being was mine, your mind, your body and soul
And your heart
It was almost as if I saw us both in another life time
Where, had circumstances been different,
Had YOU been different
We would be together
We’d live in a house together
Raise kids together
Laugh and cry together
And fight through the daily troubles of married life together
But alas, even as I let myself get lost in the fantasy
The truth would hit me every day
You had no eyes for any girl who wasn’t small, white and pretty
No time to spare, you’d always want to be on your way
Even when I went against everything that was me
To try to get to you, thinking one day you would see
That I wanted to be your friend, your trustee
Your secret keeper… you would fail me
If you had let me, I would have loved you
Held you, breathed you, and taken care of you
I wanted to let you know that I had it in me
To understand you, when most other girls would merely dismiss you
As a disturbed, immature and troubled little youth
I wanted to get past that; wanted to reach the very essence
Of what it was like to be you
I wanted to hear your stories; I wanted to know your past
Hoping that, day by day, we could build our relationship
Into something that would last
But the dark days kept coming
Expectations, they’d just keep plummeting
I was nothing to you, just another person you saw everyday
It crushed me cuz I knew you didn’t even think of me that way
You disregarded me like you would disregard a stranger walking past you in the street
Disrespected me like I was filth that needed to be removed from your vicinity
So many times, I was told I was beautiful
But I didn’t know it; didn’t see it, didn’t even want to see it
Because the way I saw it, however beautiful I was didn’t mean anything,
If you didn’t see it too
It was never enough to get your attention
Wasn’t enough for you to stop picking out every flaw on my face
Every flaw on my body, every flaw in my personality
And it only got worse as time passed
I don’t know if it was a joke to you
But knowing you, it was probably just that.
All the mixed signals were just a game, something to fill your time
Something to entertain yourself, maybe boost your already oversized ego
And make no mistake; I saw how you treated other girls the same way
Saw how every living, breathing, beautiful woman was objectified
Saw how you treated those closest to you
Who shared the same love for you
And my heart would hurt everyday
I knew there was no way
I could put up with what you made your loved ones go through
Knew if my dreams came true,
I would be a miserable woman… but that didn’t stop me.
The crazy, desperate part of me
Thought all the shit that would come my way
Would be okay,
If only it was coming from you, then I could handle it for another day
And so on it went, days turned into weeks
Weeks turned into months
And I only ever grew more vulnerable
Though for the life of me I couldn’t understand what it was I saw in you
The nights I would cry myself to sleep, out of sheer frustration
Became a part of me, wanting to become a part of you
I’d reach rock bottom and try to climb my way up
Just to have you hit me with another mixed signal and I’d tumble
Right back to rock bottom
Where it seemed I was stuck for eternity,
Never thought it would last this long, never thought it would cut so deep
Until gradually, it all became too much
I knew if I stayed this way I’d eventually lose touch
Of every aspect of me, every valuable thing I had that was worth keeping
Trying to get you in my life
I stopped, and took a few steps back
Looked at how I had lost myself, looked at what had become of me
Looked at how I’d lost sight of the real you
And saw only who I wanted you to be
How I listened to what you said but heard only what I wanted you to mean
And that right there, was the dawn of a new day
That right there, was a new page, a new chapter
From that moment on I could feel my sanity return to me
And it was the best feeling in the world
To be out from under your spell, from under every insult you hurled
It was like a breath of fresh air, to simply not care
What you thought or what you cared to share
Just don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean I won’t miss you
I’ll still miss you, and think of you
Still miss the way butterflies filled my stomach at the sight of you
Miss the way my legs would get weak whenever you stood too close to me
And the way my chest would tighten whenever your hands touched me
I’ll miss the way I craved your smell
And the way I’d be at peace with the whole world,
As long as you were next to me
I’ll miss the way you were once the most beautiful face I knew
When now you’re just another face I have to look at in my group
I’ll miss how I used to think of what might have been
And how foolishly I used to think it could have been
I’ll miss the way I used to get excited, at your very mention of future meetings
Miss the affection I used to feel for you when you were half-decent to me
I’ll miss everything I wanted you to be, and thought you could be
Most of all, I’ll miss the way I loved how you’d call me “Big D”
But I won’t complain
Because I know I don’t have it in me to make you change
Change the way you see me, or any other woman
Guess I was wrong about all the things I thought we had in common
Yes, there are many things I’ll miss about you
But countless others that I won’t
And I’d rather not just turn a new page; I’d rather close the whole book
Consider you a tough lesson learned; now it’s time for me to look
Elsewhere, places where I know I will be welcome just the way I am.
So I won’t complain, because now…
Now I can breathe again
