A Lifetime Lost (Part 1)

Rayan put down her cup of hot chocolate, still standing next to the window of her apartment, staring out into the darkness. It was 4am, and she still hadn’t managed to get a wink of sleep. She watched as the planes took off every few minutes. Living next to the airport definitely had its disadvantages; the noise was sometimes too much to handle, the sound of the engines rattling her windows every now and then adding to her already accumulating stress. But it was at times like these, in the dead of night, when it was much quieter, that she appreciated the view from her bedroom window. 

Thousands of tiny lights stretched for miles, illuminating the night sky like fireflies. The airplanes lined up, one after the other, as far as she could see, having either just landed or waiting for takeoff. Those that were being prepared for their next flight; this was something that she enjoyed particularly. It was like watching a patient being prepped for an operation; first, they slowly wheeled the plane in until it was next to its terminal, the sound of its engines dying. The air stairs rolling in, adjacent to the doors on either side of the plane that had opened to allow the passengers out. And they would trickle out like ants, into the awaiting shuttle buses, that then whisked them off to the terminal. As soon as the passengers were out of sight, dozens of workers descended on the plane, and began their process. Doors in the belly of the plane would hiss open and bags were transferred into awaiting trucks. The air stairs had disappeared by now and would be replaced by the catering truck, whose body would be lifted up to the level of the aircraft door on a scissor lift. The catering company employees would then take out the empty food carts and replace them with freshly prepared carts, positioning them in the galleys of the aircraft. Lavatory trucks, placed at the rear of the plane, would also be elevated to the same height, and would begin the unpleasant business of emptying the plane’s sewage tank. The whole process usually took between 45 minutes to an hour, during which Rayan would watch, completely lost in what she was seeing. She had seen this done so many times, and could do it a thousand more. It was so systematic, so thorough and orderly. She admired how efficiently the workers got the job done, even on busy nights when planes descended in hoards, separated only by a window of a few minutes.

Tonight, however, was a quiet night. The usual hum of engines that she had grown so accustomed to was absent, and everything was pretty much at a standstill.  With a small sigh, she returned to her bed. She would have to get some sleep soon; otherwise she wouldn’t be able to get up for her morning shift at the hospital. She lay down and stared at the ceiling, attempting to still the many thoughts running through her head. She didn’t know how she was going to break the news to her parents. She was still reeling from the discovery herself, yet she knew she would have to tell them soon. She was glad no one else in their family knew, for word tended to travel fast. And they would be devastated if they found out from someone other than her. 

But how did you tell a mother that her daughter had only a few months left to live?

Transition

I was caught under your spell
Yet there was nothing magical about it
Days would pass, and I would pass unnoticed by you
Only a fleeting hello, a handshake, maybe a few words;
It was all I had to look forward to
You never noticed how my eyes would linger
How my fingers lingered when we shook hands
I loved, I fantasized, I dreamt
Intimate dreams of those very same hands that troubled me
Teased me, knew exactly what they did to me
I would wake up in the morning
And remember getting lost in a world where your hands were mine
Your being was mine, your mind, your body and soul
And your heart
It was almost as if I saw us both in another life time
Where, had circumstances been different,
Had YOU been different
We would be together
We’d live in a house together
Raise kids together
Laugh and cry together
And fight through the daily troubles of married life together

But alas, even as I let myself get lost in the fantasy
The truth would hit me every day
You had no eyes for any girl who wasn’t small, white and pretty
No time to spare, you’d always want to be on your way
Even when I went against everything that was me
To try to get to you, thinking one day you would see
That I wanted to be your friend, your trustee
Your secret keeper… you would fail me
If you had let me, I would have loved you
Held you, breathed you, and taken care of you
I wanted to let you know that I had it in me
To understand you, when most other girls would merely dismiss you
As a disturbed, immature and troubled little youth
I wanted to get past that; wanted to reach the very essence
Of what it was like to be you
I wanted to hear your stories; I wanted to know your past
Hoping that, day by day, we could build our relationship
Into something that would last

But the dark days kept coming
Expectations, they’d just keep plummeting
I was nothing to you, just another person you saw everyday
It crushed me cuz I knew you didn’t even think of me that way
You disregarded me like you would disregard a stranger walking past you in the street
Disrespected me like I was filth that needed to be removed from your vicinity
So many times, I was told I was beautiful
But I didn’t know it; didn’t see it, didn’t even want to see it
Because the way I saw it, however beautiful I was didn’t mean anything,
If you didn’t see it too
It was never enough to get your attention
Wasn’t enough for you to stop picking out every flaw on my face
Every flaw on my body, every flaw in my personality

And it only got worse as time passed
I don’t know if it was a joke to you
But knowing you, it was probably just that.
All the mixed signals were just a game, something to fill your time
Something to entertain yourself, maybe boost your already oversized ego
And make no mistake; I saw how you treated other girls the same way
Saw how every living, breathing, beautiful woman was objectified
Saw how you treated those closest to you
Who shared the same love for you
And my heart would hurt everyday
I knew there was no way
I could put up with what you made your loved ones go through
Knew if my dreams came true,
 I would be a miserable woman… but that didn’t stop me.
The crazy, desperate part of me
Thought all the shit that would come my way
Would be okay,
If only it was coming from you, then I could handle it for another day

And so on it went, days turned into weeks
Weeks turned into months
And I only ever grew more vulnerable
Though for the life of me I couldn’t understand what it was I saw in you
The nights I would cry myself to sleep, out of sheer frustration
Became a part of me, wanting to become a part of you
I’d reach rock bottom and try to climb my way up
Just to have you hit me with another mixed signal and I’d tumble
Right back to rock bottom
Where it seemed I was stuck for eternity,
Never thought it would last this long, never thought it would cut so deep

Until gradually, it all became too much
I knew if I stayed this way I’d eventually lose touch
Of every aspect of me, every valuable thing I had that was worth keeping
Trying to get you in my life
I stopped, and took a few steps back
Looked at how I had lost myself, looked at what had become of me
Looked at how I’d lost sight of the real you
And saw only who I wanted you to be
How I listened to what you said but heard only what I wanted you to mean
And that right there, was the dawn of a new day
That right there, was a new page, a new chapter
From that moment on I could feel my sanity return to me
And it was the best feeling in the world
To be out from under your spell, from under every insult you hurled
It was like a breath of fresh air, to simply not care
What you thought or what you cared to share

Just don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean I won’t miss you
I’ll still miss you, and think of you
Still miss the way butterflies filled my stomach at the sight of you
Miss the way my legs would get weak whenever you stood too close to me
And the way my chest would tighten whenever your hands touched me
I’ll miss the way I craved your smell
And the way I’d be at peace with the whole world,
As long as you were next to me
I’ll miss the way you were once the most beautiful face I knew
When now you’re just another face I have to look at in my group
I’ll miss how I used to think of what might have been
And how foolishly I used to think it could have been
I’ll miss the way I used to get excited, at your very mention of future meetings
Miss the affection I used to feel for you when you were half-decent to me
I’ll miss everything I wanted you to be, and thought you could be
Most of all, I’ll miss the way I loved how you’d call me “Big D”

But I won’t complain
Because I know I don’t have it in me to make you change
Change the way you see me, or any other woman
Guess I was wrong about all the things I thought we had in common
Yes, there are many things I’ll miss about you
But countless others that I won’t
And I’d rather not just turn a new page; I’d rather close the whole book
Consider you a tough lesson learned; now it’s time for me to look
Elsewhere, places where I know I will be welcome just the way I am.
So I won’t complain, because now…
Now I can breathe again

I Miss You

I lay in bed in the wee hours of the morning, reliving the countless, tiny moments that make up what we are.

I miss you.

Each and every day is a battle to move on from what once was. When we used to see each other every day. Yes it meant nothing to you, but for me it was a reason to wake up every morning and dress for another day at school. For me it was a reason to smile, something I didn't do very often. It was what I needed, despite the vulnerability that it put me through, to make the best of a powerless situation.

I miss you.

I wonder if you think about me the way I think about you. I wonder if what people say is true. I wonder; oh how much I wonder what it would be like to be on the other side of this kind of love. I wonder if your heart skips a beat when my name lights up your screen. I wonder why it is so difficult for me to tell you this, even though I feel the need to do so, every single time we talk.

I miss you.

Never in a million years did I ever think I would be stuck in this kind of predicament. It just was not me. But it's strange what you can let yourself get caught up in if you're not careful. And even though I basked in the glory of what it was like to simply know you, I think that I am now prepared for it to be over.

But even as I think this, I'm 'still' missing you.

There is no other way to put it. No escaping from it,  no stalling it, no delaying it. It has been made clear to me now; lifetimes will pass. Times will change. The people we know and love will change. But you have become something that has become engraved deep within my soul. You have shaped parts of my character; showed me what it is I dislike about myself, and what I wish would stay the same. Call me selfish, because I want you to be happy, but only with me. Because I cannot live out the rest of my life having you act like you are oblivious to the fact that a part of me will always, truly, and dearly miss you.

This Life

Some Day in October, 2013. Dubai

I stood in front of the gates of Latifa Hospital, the main womens' hospital in the emirate of Dubai. Walking through those doors would mean the beginning of a long and stressful on call, one I knew would leave me disoriented in both time and sleep for the next couple of days. In my mind I was vehemently cursing every decision in my life that had lead me to this point. What was I even doing here? Wasn’t I supposed to be out somewhere wasting time? Wasn't I supposed to be out letting the soothing sounds of Dubai mall's fountain calm my wracked nerves? But it had to be done. I would have to deal with countless meander complaints and moody doctors for the next 12 hours. It was best to get it over with. I did what I always did when walking into this particular hospital; I switched off my emotions, left my pride at the door, and walked in with an air of resilience. It was the only way you could get through an OB/GYN shift at Latifa without losing your sanity.

I had always had some idea of how my life was going to be, but as it seems, none of that was going to go according to plan. If you had told me at some point that I would be spending a year of my life in Dubai, I probably would have laughed in your face. But spend a year of my life in Dubai I did. A one year internship, rotating between Dubai’s 3 main hospitals; Rashid, Latifa and Dubai Hospitals. Joined by 7 of my fellow candidates from med school. Of course, this made the whole ordeal so much easier. But the hospital work remained unpleasant.

And life has its ways of showing you just how much you should expect absolutely anything. 2013 for me was a difficult year. I didn’t get along with most of the doctors. We complained about the donkey work that naturally comes with being an intern, but we couldn't let it get to us. They made me hate writing! My passion; reduced to filling out endless forms that made me dread the time I would have to pick up a pen and write out a patient's notes for that day. I mourned plans that had gone wrong. I would return to my prayer mat repeatedly, asking God for a way out. I was never enthusiastic about coming to Dubai, and even 6 months into my internship failed to change how I felt. I would wait impatiently for the end of the work week, so I could run screaming back to Abu Dhabi for the weekend. I just wanted it to be over. But after it was, I couldn’t help but be thankful for what it had given me. I chalked it up to one of life’s experiences; it had strengthened relationships with people I used to know but barely talked to, and hacked away at those that had proved to be unnecessary. I had lived in a city most people would only dream of one day seeing, and it definitely had its perks.

And its with this that I finally realise how grateful I am for 2013. For the friends that I made; I hope we stay friends for life. For those who I couldn't be with but were with me in spirit, encouraging me to stay strong, I hope we meet again soon. 

Hello There!

Well, this is the first time that I ever write a blog. And to be quite honest,  i don't think I will go through with it. As much as I enjoy writing, and as much as I enjoy reading other peoples blogs, it has never quite held the right amount of appeal for me. But who knows? I have a lot of empty time on my hands. Time that would be better used, say, studying for an exam that I have coming up. But that's not important. 

Word of warning though. I am an extremely "touchy feely" person, as one of my friends puts it (you know who you are). My writings tend to be almost entirely about love, emotion, and what it's like to be a woman. While this is what works for some of you, others might find it gets a little boring after two or three posts. 

But for now its goodbye, till the next time I open this thing (if i ever do).