I Miss You

I lay in bed in the wee hours of the morning, reliving the countless, tiny moments that make up what we are.

I miss you.

Each and every day is a battle to move on from what once was. When we used to see each other every day. Yes it meant nothing to you, but for me it was a reason to wake up every morning and dress for another day at school. For me it was a reason to smile, something I didn't do very often. It was what I needed, despite the vulnerability that it put me through, to make the best of a powerless situation.

I miss you.

I wonder if you think about me the way I think about you. I wonder if what people say is true. I wonder; oh how much I wonder what it would be like to be on the other side of this kind of love. I wonder if your heart skips a beat when my name lights up your screen. I wonder why it is so difficult for me to tell you this, even though I feel the need to do so, every single time we talk.

I miss you.

Never in a million years did I ever think I would be stuck in this kind of predicament. It just was not me. But it's strange what you can let yourself get caught up in if you're not careful. And even though I basked in the glory of what it was like to simply know you, I think that I am now prepared for it to be over.

But even as I think this, I'm 'still' missing you.

There is no other way to put it. No escaping from it,  no stalling it, no delaying it. It has been made clear to me now; lifetimes will pass. Times will change. The people we know and love will change. But you have become something that has become engraved deep within my soul. You have shaped parts of my character; showed me what it is I dislike about myself, and what I wish would stay the same. Call me selfish, because I want you to be happy, but only with me. Because I cannot live out the rest of my life having you act like you are oblivious to the fact that a part of me will always, truly, and dearly miss you.

This Life

Some Day in October, 2013. Dubai

I stood in front of the gates of Latifa Hospital, the main womens' hospital in the emirate of Dubai. Walking through those doors would mean the beginning of a long and stressful on call, one I knew would leave me disoriented in both time and sleep for the next couple of days. In my mind I was vehemently cursing every decision in my life that had lead me to this point. What was I even doing here? Wasn’t I supposed to be out somewhere wasting time? Wasn't I supposed to be out letting the soothing sounds of Dubai mall's fountain calm my wracked nerves? But it had to be done. I would have to deal with countless meander complaints and moody doctors for the next 12 hours. It was best to get it over with. I did what I always did when walking into this particular hospital; I switched off my emotions, left my pride at the door, and walked in with an air of resilience. It was the only way you could get through an OB/GYN shift at Latifa without losing your sanity.

I had always had some idea of how my life was going to be, but as it seems, none of that was going to go according to plan. If you had told me at some point that I would be spending a year of my life in Dubai, I probably would have laughed in your face. But spend a year of my life in Dubai I did. A one year internship, rotating between Dubai’s 3 main hospitals; Rashid, Latifa and Dubai Hospitals. Joined by 7 of my fellow candidates from med school. Of course, this made the whole ordeal so much easier. But the hospital work remained unpleasant.

And life has its ways of showing you just how much you should expect absolutely anything. 2013 for me was a difficult year. I didn’t get along with most of the doctors. We complained about the donkey work that naturally comes with being an intern, but we couldn't let it get to us. They made me hate writing! My passion; reduced to filling out endless forms that made me dread the time I would have to pick up a pen and write out a patient's notes for that day. I mourned plans that had gone wrong. I would return to my prayer mat repeatedly, asking God for a way out. I was never enthusiastic about coming to Dubai, and even 6 months into my internship failed to change how I felt. I would wait impatiently for the end of the work week, so I could run screaming back to Abu Dhabi for the weekend. I just wanted it to be over. But after it was, I couldn’t help but be thankful for what it had given me. I chalked it up to one of life’s experiences; it had strengthened relationships with people I used to know but barely talked to, and hacked away at those that had proved to be unnecessary. I had lived in a city most people would only dream of one day seeing, and it definitely had its perks.

And its with this that I finally realise how grateful I am for 2013. For the friends that I made; I hope we stay friends for life. For those who I couldn't be with but were with me in spirit, encouraging me to stay strong, I hope we meet again soon. 

Hello There!

Well, this is the first time that I ever write a blog. And to be quite honest,  i don't think I will go through with it. As much as I enjoy writing, and as much as I enjoy reading other peoples blogs, it has never quite held the right amount of appeal for me. But who knows? I have a lot of empty time on my hands. Time that would be better used, say, studying for an exam that I have coming up. But that's not important. 

Word of warning though. I am an extremely "touchy feely" person, as one of my friends puts it (you know who you are). My writings tend to be almost entirely about love, emotion, and what it's like to be a woman. While this is what works for some of you, others might find it gets a little boring after two or three posts. 

But for now its goodbye, till the next time I open this thing (if i ever do).